Everything I know about the male species, I learned from raising sons

Well, not really, but I've learned a lot.

Since I grew up female, I've learned I was, in many ways, clueless, about the male species and their thoughts and habits. For example, I could never understand how males can miss that big hole in the center of the toilet. It's so big, how can they miss it and end up with a bathroom that smells like urine. Why do they urinate on the sides of the seat and toilet? Finally, when my youngest son was a teenager, he told me, "Mom, you have to understand the sprinkle effect." With a, I'm sure, puzzled look on my face, I asked him, "what is the sprinkle effect," thinking of the lawn sprinkler. He then explained that unlike what I (and probably most women thought), the stream of urine is not one stream that stays in the straight line as it enters the toilet. Rather, it is a stream with lots of "sprinkles" on the side that fall off the stream as it enters the toilet. These sprinkles are what hit the sides and the raised seat on the toilet. It seems that, with the exception of aiming for the basket on the basketball court, men can't aim worth a hoot. This applies to the toilet, the hamper, the sink when brushing their teeth, or even the trashcan when aiming some balled-up piece of trash at it. I won't even go into the need to ball up something and throw it at the trashcan rather than simply walking to the trashcan and dropped it in. I'm assuming it has something to do with basketball.

I also learned that, once they get to be a certain age, boys do not want to be seen being dropped off at school, or work, by their mother. "It's like being dropped off at grade school on the first day of school." Later on in life, many men would rather drive their wife to work and keep the car rather than being dropped off at their job. Hmm, seems like there is something testosterone-like about being seen driving a car.

It's easier to get males to do something if you ask them rather than tell them. "Will you take out the garbage?" "Will you unload the dishwasher?" Being told to take out the garbage or to unload the dishwasher results in a sullen, begrudging look from a male teenager and a job poorly done at best. In an adult male, the task usually won't get done. Males like to be ASKED to do things.

Males don't like to accompany us to buy bras. One Saturday, when my youngest son was a teenager, I asked him if he wanted to go with me to the mall. He asked me what I was going to get and I told him I needed several things and perhaps we could have lunch when we were through shopping. After stopping at a few stores, I started to go into Victoria's Secret to buy a few bras. He decided he would wait for me in the mall. Later that night, he told his older brother "Mom, tried to trick me into going with her to buy a bra." When I was married, my husband ALWAYS declined to enter either Victoria's Secret or Bath & Body Works. Now this reluctance I just don't understand. Are they afraid that some male friend will spy them leaving Victoria's Secret or the lingerie department of Dillard's? If they are seen, so what? What will be the implication?

Now this one has been written in granite since probably the caveman was around. MALES DON'T NEED DIRECTIONS AND WILL NEVER ASK FOR THEM. THEY ALSO DON'T NEED MAPS AND WON'T USE THEM EVEN IF THEY'RE LOST. Once my sons got to driving age, they knew absolutely everything. This, of course, included the directions to places they had never in their life seen before. I learned not to offer directions and only hope that they arrived at their destinations. Last year while in Pittsburgh, a male friend travelled to the house where I was staying. It was about an hour's drive from his home and he was totally unfamiliar with the area. I gave him directions and he picked me up. As we were leaving the house, I began to give him directions to our destination. He stopped me and said, "I got this. If I need some help, I'll ask." My older son recently told me the same exact words, "Mom, I got this."

I suspect the GPS Navigation Systems in cars and on smartphones was the brainchild of a male. This way, they never have to admit that they need directions.

Blessings,

T