People who need to get a real job

Or, how do these people really earn money?

1. Alan Keyes – The perennial presidential candidate. Mr. Keyes has been around for a long time. This also-ran needs to get a real job and face the fact that he will never be elected dog-catcher, much less president. After failing in his many attempts to win the republican nomination for president, he finally left the republican party and joined the constitution party. Surprising to no one but perhaps, Mr. Keyes, he also failed in this presidential bid. His latest act to keep his name in the news is his filing of a suit to require Barack Obama to produce the "long form" of his birth certificate before he takes office to prove he was born in the United States. Alan, read my lips. YOU WILL NEVER BE ELECTED PRESIDENT. Go home to your family and attempt to reconcile with your lesbian daughter who you disinherited because you "cannot approve of that which destroys the soul of your daughter."
   
2. Jesse Ventura – Jesse, you were a good wrestler and a so-so governor. Now, you're just a loudmouth who likes to hear himself talk and who makes inane statements and predictions on the various news talk shows. Jesse, take a deep breath and hunker down for the cold Minnesota winter ahead. Perhaps by the time spring arrives, you will have figured out a real job you can handle.
   
3. Ross Perot – Ross, you will never be president either. You're rich and nearly 80. Shut up, take your money and go retire to some island country.
   
4. Ralph Nader – Another perennial also-ran. Ralph, you've had your fun as a spoiler. Time to stop running for president and get a real job. How do you make your money anyway? People have long tired of hearing your rants and raves against the main political parties. You're nearly 75 now, Ralph. AARP has been pounding on your door for a few years now. Answer the door, Ralphie, take what little money you have left (according to you, you live on $25,000 a year) and please fade into the sunset.
   
5. Newt Gingrich – Newt, Newt. I thought we had heard the last of you and hoped you had quietly retired to the ranch. Let's see, you married your high school geometry teacher, who was seven years your senior. When she lay in her hospital bed recovering from cancer surgery, you brought divorce papers to her bedside. You cheated on your second wife for more than a decade during which you led the charge against Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky debacle. You were finally sanctioned for ethics violations and left the house in disgrace. Now, you're back, I guess assuming the American public has a short memory. I don't, Newt. Get a job. Your alimony payments must be killing you anyway.
   
6. Ward Connerly – probably the most well-known black opponent of affirmative action. I should probably clarify the adjective black. Mr. Connerly claims to be only one-fourth black. I admit he looks like a straight-up brother to me. Mr. Connerly's job seems to be to allow himself to be the tool of affirmative action opponents for pay. He travels around the country attempting to dismantle affirmative action wherever it exists. Odd, since Mr. Connerly, born in 1939, undoubtedly benefitted from affirmative action. What more can I say about someone who, in 2008, supported Rudy Giuliani for president. Ward, get a real job.
   
7. Joseph C. Phillips – that guy Denise married on The Cosby Show who now feels compelled to share his opinions every opportunity he gets. Joe, hopefully you saved the money you made on Cosby and now you can do sit down somewhere. Your homophobic views are outdated and out of sync. Joe, get a real job.
   

And, I'm not going to start listing the "celebrities" who seem to have endless funds from doing absolutely nothing.

Blessings,
T