And the greatest of these is Love

It's been a long time since I've regularly written on this blog. A lot of things have transpired in my personal life that had, somehow, stalled my creativity, including writing. I don't usually blog about things of a very personal nature on this blog because of the nature of the Internet itself, and because I am, by nature, an extremely private person – a person who bottles up her true emotions deep inside, hidden from the world including close friends and family. By nature, I am a person who loves people and someone who is always there for others, especially emotionally. Yet, at least as an adult, I have always kept my innermost feelings locked away deep within me, far from the eyes and ears of those who might judge me. A therapist once asked me if I thought I was unworthy of being loved and suggested that though I made myself available to others in their times of need, that somehow, I felt I didn't deserve the same in return. Of course I rebelled at the suggestion. "Of course not," I remember replying, "it's just that everyone has their own problems and issues and I don't want to bother them with mine." I think a part of me knew at the time that it was a copout, another way of bottling up what I truly felt.

A little over two years ago, I lost my father. Dad was 82 and had been in poor health for a few years. Though I had lost other loved ones during my life, Dad was the closest person in my life to pass. To say I grieved him deeply would be an understatement. For the longest time, I couldn't bear to think of him or hear his name mentioned without feeling a pain deep in my gut and tears forming in my eyes. I have always struggled with the concept of death. I was raised in the church which preached about a heaven where "all God's children will dance around in golden shoes." In my young adulthood, I studied with the Jehovah's Witnesses who taught that the soul dies at death and the spirit returns to God and that certain dead will be resurrected after Armageddon. The combination of the two teachings left me really confused about death – and other biblical teachings. Sure, I read a lot of books and the bible, but really, nobody has ever come back and told us what death is truly like. And sure, many people have given me their version of what they "think" happens after death, but again, where's the proof? After I lost my father, I became even more confused. I couldn't believe that the wonderful, baritone-voiced man I had loved all my life simply didn't exist anymore. How could he have simply closed his eyes and POOF, was gone? Forever? Of course, being who I am emotionally, I rallied around my mother, siblings and other family members, supported them and for the most part, locked my feelings away. My father's sister told me that I was questioning my faith in being so uncertain about death and where my father was now. I disagreed with her, telling her that I had a very strong belief in God but that didn't answer the questions I had about death and what happens when someone dies. When I returned home to San Antonio, I pulled out the Ouija Board and attempted to contact my Dad. (I seriously considered not including that information here – fear of being judged, but more on that later in this post.) I communicated with someone who appeared to be my father and the first thing he told me was not to cry; he was fine. I guess this was comforting on some level, but the doubt in me remained. Where is he? What is he? What is that place where he now resides? DOES he still exist somewhere? The intellectual side of me knows that it's the selfish side of humans that still wants our loved one here despite how ill they may have been. Yes, I know that, intellectually, but the emotional side of me still wants my Dad here, here with me, with the family. So, I guess I was, as my aunt said, struggling with my faith – not my faith in God, but my faith that any one interpretation of the bible was correct about death and the hereafter.

That has now changed for me. This week, I had an epiphany. Merriam-Webster™ defines epiphany as: (1) a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something; (2) an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking; and (3) an illuminating discovery, realization or disclosure. The definition that applies most to me is the first one: …"sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something." What caused this epiphany for me? Reading The Shack. Reading this book was for me life-changing. As one friend described it, it was "riveting." For me, it filled in many of the gaps I had been missing in my faith. Yes, the book is fiction, but it is a book that explains God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in a way I had never before considered. As I read it, tears continuously flowed. I sobbed. The book moved me so much that at one point, I had to put the book down and go do something else. I couldn't take any more. I don't want to give the storyline away or give any spoilers, but it put our relationship with God in a way that will help me not only to deal with my father's passing, but also will help me to develop my relationship with God in a way He desires. The book is not "preachy" or one that beats you over the head with religion, scripture or holy commandments. It will make you think, consider, cry and probably sob.

My signature line in my e-mail for a while has been "And the greatest of these is love" The Shack really helped me to understand the meaning of those words. If we approach things and people with love, we will not judge, attempt to change others, attempt to make others fit into our ideals or even judge ourselves or fear being judged. At the base of everything, and I mean everything - our relationships, our attitudes, our ethics, our morality – is love. If we strive to approach others from a base of love and live our lives with love, the rest is gravy.

Blessings,

T