When Your Grown “Kids” Don’t Need You Anymore

I admit that for the last few years, I've been going through Empty Nest Syndrome. My chicks have flown the coop and are doing what I raised them to do – stand on their own two feet and go out and be men, forging their own road, following their own journey. For the first time in 28 years, I'm living alone and trying to decide who I will be on the next leg of this journey called life. One of the first things I did was to decide to make a career change and I am happily in the midst of doing that. Yet…….

Being Mom has been a HUGE part of who I've been for the majority of my adult life. While, intellectually, I realize that my sons won't need me in the same way they needed me as they were growing up, I admit that I wasn't quite ready for the lack of being needed, at least needed as much. Neither of my sons are mama's boys, so I didn't expect the phone to be ringing constantly asking for advice nor did I expect daily visits or even phone calls. What is surprising to me is that I don't exactly have a place in their lives as men, or to put it more succinctly, an easily-defined place in their lives as men. Sometimes, it seems that I'm this ghost of a person, waiting in the wings, overseeing things from a distance, ready to advance forward and assist, IF needed or asked. Weekend plans don't seem to factor in Mom. If I suggest an activity that includes me, they already have plans that somehow won't accommodate me. It seems that when I am included in an activity, it's for a short window of time, not the entire day or several hours, because they have other plans that don't include me. On some level I understand this. On another level, this kind of hurts. I remember being in my 20's and 30's and spending time with my parents was not a part of my regular weekend activities. Yet, I also remember many times that my social calendar included activities with my parents.

As I was contemplating writing this blog post, I realized that I owed my mother an apology. In an odd segue, I recalled an incident that occurred earlier this year while I was home visiting my family. Now, I should preface this segment with the fact that though (like everyone) I have my insecurities, my cooking ability is not one of them. I am a very good cook and I absolutely love cooking. One evening, I was pan-frying some fish. My mother (whose age I won't mention here, but suffice it to say is several decades older than I) was seated in the kitchen at the time. As I was frying the fish, she commented, "you know, fish doesn't take a long time to cook. It only takes a few minutes on each side. Most people overcook fish." I admit the comment irritated me and I said, "Mom, I know how to cook fish. I've been cooking fish a long time and in fact, I prepare and eat fish and seafood almost exclusively." (I am pretty much a pescetarian [someone who primarily eats seafood and vegetables.]) My response irritated and somewhat hurt my mother and she said, "T nobody knows everything and everybody can learn something from somebody." At the time, I didn't understand her reaction and in fact, thought she over-reacted. Upon retrospection, I understand that my mother, even acknowledging that I am a long-grown woman, needed to be needed, needed to feel that she could contribute something to her grown daughter. I'm sorry for my reaction, Mom. I didn't understand that at the time. I do now.

Several years ago, when my older son was dating a young woman, he remarked to me that "everyone knows the girlfriend comes first." I wondered at the time who in the world had told him this. Everyone has seen the big-time sports star on the field who says, "Hi, Mom" when the camera is on him. I felt small and unimportant when my son told me this. As he has continued on in his journey of manhood, there have been numerous times when I felt that I was unimportant in his life. Not that I sat on the pity pot feeling sorry for myself all the time, but nobody had prepared me for the way my role as mother would change once my sons became men. Don't get me wrong. I know my sons love me, would defend me to the death and would be devastated should anything happen to me. Yet …..

What is the definition, the role, the place, for a mother of grown "kids?" Yes, I know all the intellectual responses to the question. We reforge our own lives. We reshape our lives so, while remaining available should our children need us, we pursue other interests and use our talents and passions in other areas. We take those spontaneous trips out of town that we couldn't take when our children were little. We take a class. We find a hobby. We make new friends and schedule activities with them. We write blogs. J We fill up our time with other things. Yet ….

I miss being needed the way I once was. I miss the filling of the space I once filled in my children's lives. I miss being a participant in their planned social calendar. I guess I just miss being Mom.

Blessings,

T